Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Back From the Dead

For everyone who has called, texted, e-mailed or otherwise tried to reach me this week, I have good news... I am back from the dead or as more commonly called, the FLU.

Yep, it got me.  Everyone around me had something i.e. strep throat, bronchitis, head cold, sinus issues, coughing, snotty nose, etc. I sailed past it all. I took my Vitamin C regularly. I drank my fresh fruit smoothies with a smile. I washed my hands religiously. I was the lone survivor of the holiday season with minimal downtime.  Then, on Christmas Eve, right on the cusp of victory, it found me.

I was flat of my back through Christmas Day until today. I moved from the bed to the couch, to the bed, to the couch and ... well, you get the idea.  It was AWFUL.  I suffered through three days of Pergatory waiting for Monday to come so that I could see my Doctor who could make it all better. Nope, he's on vacation.  His associates are taking care of things while he is away.  Yeah, next appointment is after the first of the year. Seriously?  Okay, Urgent Care here I come. Why would the word 'Urgent' be in the name of a place that held me and my insurance card hostage for FOUR hours?  Then, after robbing me of $50, the 'doctor' had the nerve to tell me that I was past the 3 day window for the Tamiflu to be effective in relieving my symptoms. Seriously? Hey, thanks for the cough drops.

The good news is that I am on the backside of five days of flu.  Supposedly, I am no longer infectious so I can go back to work.  Well, at least it's a new place besides my bed or the couch. Wait, a second... my phone's ringing. Sorry about that - it was my husband.  Guess who doesn't feel well? Sorry, honey.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Is It Over Yet?

IF you LOVE,LOVE,LOVE Christmas, don't ever work retail at this time of the year. I am sad to say I have seen the underbelly of the season - angry, petty, inconsiderate and rude consumers.

What happened to "Merry Christmas"?

I want to start a revolution. Let's go back to giving presents we can afford and not feeling resentful because of 'obligations'.  Let's have a moratorium on number of presents and amount of money spent.  Let's give merchants a break and spend a second of our precious 'shopping time' to say something nice.  Let's stop to pet a dog, smile at a child and allow someone to steal our prime parking space that we have driven around and around and around to find.Let's light the birthday candles on 12/25 and sing a grateful 'Happy Birthday to Him'.

I wish us all a 'Whoville' Christmas. (If you didn't catch that, watch the original animated 'The Grinch who stole Christmas' and get back to me)

Friday, December 17, 2010

One Of Those Days

I'm having 'one of those days'... you know, when things just don't go right, things don't feel right, just yucky?

I have a song on my awesome entertainment system known as my Vibrant phone that I listen to when it's 'one of those days'. Yes, I know it's 'old' (i.e. not in the last day or so) If you have never listened to it... you gotta.  Go on, hit the button and watch... I'll wait.

Isn't it awesome? Just in case you didn't catch the words, here they are:
Daniel Powter BAD DAY

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

I have no idea why this song cheers me up.  I guess it puts life into perspective for me.  So I had a bad day, seriously, who doesn't?  Pick it back up and keep going.

You can go back and listen to the video again - I'm going back to editing my novel.  Catch ya on the other side of my blue sky holiday.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The List is Finished

I have finalized my Christmas Wish List.  Seriously?  Yeah, I know... it's less than two weeks till Christmas. But hey, I've been busy (50,000 words of NaNoWriMo) AND I work retail (not just ANY retail - KID store retail)

Here it is, family and friends - Get busy shopping:

1. Inspiration - I have a 50K word first draft of a terrific novel. What does that mean?  Absolutely nothing if I don't get my butt in gear and get revising. 

2. An extra two hours per day - 26 instead of 24 should work nicely

3. A clone - another me to:  pick up more toilet paper since we have empty rolls AGAIN, de-fuzz the ceiling fans, fix the dropped stitches in my knitting project, take our dog to the Dog Park so I don't feel guilty about short walks, figure out what that horrible smell in my freezer is and get rid of it, shout at the idiot parents across the street who let their children practice skateboarding at midnight, and LOTS of other stuff.

4. Ad free version of Angry Birds for my Android

5. A spigot on the refrigerator that dispenses fountain Coca-Cola 24/7

6. The ability to say 'Merry Christmas' and not get sued

7. Snow - Actually, a blizzard would be great. I guess I should mention that I live in South Florida

That ought to do it... for now.  Of course, my birthday is in three weeks.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Catch You In December

I am a WritMo. No, it is not a disease nor a political party.  It is an organization out of San Fran that supports and encourages writers.  November is National Novel Writing Month.  In the month of November, almost 200,000 writers around the globe are attempting to write 50,000 words or about 175 pages of a paperback book.  That breaks down to 1,667 words A DAY!! Seriously?  If you are not a writer, you may not understand how momentous this goal is: just to give you an idea, in order to graduate from BC, a 2 year community college, my daughter had to write 3,000 words - in 2 years. Since she's a great reader and incredibly smart, it wasn't such a big deal for her, but you should have heard her friends complaining about how hard it was, how unfair it was and how much the Board of Education for the State of Florida were a bunch of #$%.

My good friend and writing buddy Nikki decided it would be good for us both to participate in 2010 NaNoWriMo.  Seriously?   But, yep, I went along with this crazy idea. I am anticipating hating Nikki by around November 16th.  I may be suicidal/homicidal by November 27th. I will be ecstatic and hugging Nikki by December 1st when this is all over and my 50,000 words have squeezed themselves out of my fingers.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, it's me or you.  And me being me, I pick you.  So, this is probably my last post for the month of November.  BUT, don't leave me!  I have loaded an awesome widget at the top of the right-hand side of the page that updates my word count as I update and load my work into the NaNoWriMo word counter.  Cheer me on and I'll send you an autographed copy of my novel when it's published.  Ooooo, Aaahhh!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I Already Made Up My Mind

I exercised my rights as an American today. I voted. I had this brilliant idea that if I did early voting, I could avoid the crowd on Tuesday.  Well, not so much... But, it wasn't the crowd I was expecting.

I arrived at the polling site.  I knew I was at the right place because of all the placards littering the grass on my way in.  Actually, you couldn't tell there was grass because of all the campaign signs.  Seriously?  Even if I didn't already know who I was voting for, how would a sign with an annonymous name on it help me?  Do people, on their way to vote, get out a pen and write the names of candidates on their hands so they know who to vote for? How do they decide?  Whomever has the best sign wins? Really?

As I started walking toward the polling place, I was confronted with a wall of people.  Everyone was smiling and waving at me.  I looked behind me to see if George Clooney had somehow appeared behind me.  Nope, it was just me.  So what are all these people doing?  Did I win some contest and this was a hidden camera segment?  As I got closer, everyone was asking me if I was on my way to cast my ballot.  Well, duh, I do seem to be at the voting place so that would be a reasonable deduction.

As soon as I admitted I was there to vote, I was surrounded by people waving leaflets in my face.  Let me get this straight... I am here to vote, you think I have no idea who I am voting for and if I read this leaflet, I will vote for your candidate.  Seriously?  As politely as I could, I informed them that I knew who I was voting for and none of them were from the political party I was going to support.  Okay, I wasn't polite.  But still, is this legal?  Why do I have to run a gauntlet to get to my polling center?   I kept walking until an actual candidate caught my eye.  Actually, she planted herself in front of me, hand outstretched for me to shake and asking for my vote.  I lost it.  I told her I wouldn't vote for her nor her party even if someone was holding a gun to my head.  Magic words... the sea of people parted and I was all alone on the sidewalk.  Like a swarm of lemmings, the campaign workers had rushed over to another likely voter asking the same stupid  'are you here to vote' question. 

As I entered the building, a security guard was sitting near the open doorway, shaking his head.  I looked at him, he looked at me and we both started laughing.  'That's the best one I've seen all day', he said.  Cool, glad I could brighten your day.  Now, if I can just get my ballot before the ink on my hand runs and I can't see what names I wrote down...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Hit By A Hummer

Today I was in a car accident. With a Hummer. On my street.  With a 5 year old.

On my way to work, I am just leaving my house, when I slow to drive over those ridiculous speed bumps the HOA put in to keep drivers from zooming through our quiet residential area.  Next to me are 2 small children in one of those horrid battery-operated cars that empty-headed parents buy for their 'need for speed' toddlers.  As I am easing over the speed bumps, BAM! 

I look down and there is the 5 year old offending driver smiling up at me as he puts his vehicle in reverse so he can drive around me. Seriously?   I power-down my window, giving him my best 'MOM' look and ask, 'where is your mother?'  The child stops, waves his arm and says, 'over there'.  I look up the street.  Deserted.  No responsible adult anywhere in sight.  Why am I surprised?

I ease down the street a few houses and find a garage door up. Ahha, surely this is the irresponsible parent lair.  Still no one over the age of consent anywhere in sight.  I get out of the car, and head up the driveway.  Finally, a door opens into the garage and a man with an armful of clothes heads for the washer on the back wall of the garage.  He turns when he hears me coming ... or maybe he heard the steam hissing out of my ears.  Either way, he walks toward me.  Just then, the 5 year old drives by, honking and waving his hand as he continues down the middle of the street.  The man smiles and waves back. Seriously?  I launch into my 'do you know what your son just did' speech, followed quickly by my 'shouldn't you be watching your children' speech.  The man just stares at me.  The 5 year old drives by again, honking and waving his hand as he continues down the middle of the street.  The man smiles, waves.  Seriously?  Has he not heard a word I just said about the dangers of letting your rugrats terrorize the roadways?  After I run out of words, the man calls the delinquient driver over.  He exchanges a few words with him in a language I cannot identify.  The child looks at me, looks at dad and smiles. Then he pulls his little hummer into the garage.  The dad nods his head at me and turns to walk back up the drive.

Okaaay.   It is then I realize that he did not understand a single word I had said.  But, at least I feel virtuous.  I saved the lives of two small children who were sure to be hit by a real car which would do some real damage.  Smiling, I get back in my car and pull away.  Just as I turn the corner of our street, I glance back down the block.  Yep,  there are the 2 pint-sized Andrettis heading down their drive and back out into the street.  Apparently, the Hummer just needed a potty run.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Everything But the Weather Channel

I live in South Florida.  Its Hurricane Season.  I have a nifty app on my phone called a 'Weather Bug'.  It gives me up to the minute radar, forecasts, etc.  Love it.  Today the alarm on my phone that alerts me to a 'Weather Bug' update is blowing my phone up.  There is a storm to the south of us.   My electricity is going off and on.  Rain is hitting my windows.  Yea! A storm.

I run downstairs and turn on the Weather Channel.  It's on a commercial break.  Okay, I understand TWC needs to make money.  I can wait a couple of minutes.  Finally, the show starts.  Sure enough, there is a weather alert ticker running at the bottom of the screen showing new warnings have been issued...details coming soon.  Okay, that should be the lead story.  Nope, a cheery 'weather' reporter is giving me a tour of the new Grand Old Opry that is reopening tonight in Nashville.  Seriously?  The National Weather Center has issued a weather alert and you are touring me through the backstage at the Grand Old Opry?  Are you people looking at the bottom of your own screen?  Do you not see the alert flashing in red down there? 

Okay, the ticker is still saying details coming soon.  Maybe the Nashville piece is a pre-recorded tape that the technicians don't know how to stop.  I can wait... sort of.  Okay, new segment.. this is it.  Nope, there is a talking head showing me the 5 day forecast for Washington DC.  Seriously?  Do these people really not see the crawl at the bottom of the screen saying new warnings issued?  My power is out again.  Okay, power back on.  Now TWC is showing me a piece on a mountain climber that died in 1939 on some mountain and this author found his remains and did a book on it.  Seriously?  My 'Weather Bug' on my phone is going off again.  New warnings issued for my area. Sure hope its not a tornado because I will be in the Land of Oz long before the Weather Channel can tell me about it.

I am now 31 minutes into this saga; the crawl at the bottom of the screen is still flashing red; my power is still doing a disappearing act; my phone is still beeping from the weather bug alert; I still don't know what new warning has been issued by the National Weather Center. Seriously?

I switch to Fox News.  Success!!  There is the familiar forecast cone.  I am under a new Tropical Storm Warning, Flash Flood Warning, Tropical Winds Warning. Happy Days!

Just for fun, let's go back to the Weather Channel.. Breaking News... finally!  Nope, mudslides in Mexico. Seriously?

Friday, September 24, 2010

Snobby Gloater

This morning my daughter called me a 'Snobby Gloater'.   A what?  Over the years, she and I have called each other a variety of things, usually in the heat of battle, but this was a new one.  (Seriously, what mom and daughter who are very close, love one another very much and spend lots of time together has not called each other names at some point?)  Well, anyway, I digress...

Looking back, I have to say I didn't mean to be a 'snobby gloater'.  I was merely marveling at the new technology in my new phone - a Vibrant.  Seriously, its amazing!  I am not a techie by any stretch of the imagination.  I don't know how to hook up DVD players, download music onto my iPod or change the time on my car clock.  BUT, I do know how to play with my new Android-powered plaything... I mean, phone.

Today I discovered how to make the background change to reflect the weather outside.  How totally cool is that?  If it is sunshiny, my background is bright and glorious or, as is the case today,  cloudy and rainy.  I was merely holding up my phone to show my daughter that it was raining on my phone while holding back the living room curtains to show her it was raining outside, when she called me a 'snobby gloater'.  Now, I ask you, is that fair? Seriously?

Let me give you a little background before you decide. My child changes phones every couple of months.  Its amazing how she does it... while in college she went through no less than 5 phones.  One ended up at the bottom of the University's pool, one was discovered in the washer, one was left on the lawn in front of her dorm (yes, of course there were sprinklers).  Okay, so you get my point.  Finally, our phone carrier said 'enough' and took away her upgrade privileges. Then, of course, she just started buying unlocked phones off E-Bay.  Every time there was new technology, she had to have it.  Well, her trading lust finally got her in trouble.   When the new Vibrant came available, she was ineligible to upgrade, trade, buy or plead.  

I, on the other hand, had held my Blackberry for 3 years. Faithfully plodding along, watching the kid get bigger and better technology, listening to her comments about 'Mom's dinosaur', I waited. And waited. And waited. Until now.  After no upgrades, no 'accidents', no complaints - my husband was able to trade me up for the newest of the new, the most advanced of the advances for a fraction of the cost.  I have all the bells and whistles needed to gladden any techies heart. 

So, if I occasionally point out to the girl who has had it all over the last few years, that now I have it all and she doesn't, does that really make me a Snobby Gloater?   Yeah, probably.  Now, if  I only cared...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Every One Needs One - Just Don't Kill It

I have a friend (yes, I know, I'm surprised too).  I have nicknamed her 'The Encouraging Bunny'.  She sends me a daily text reminding me who I am; a writer that should be writing.  Seriously, seems so simple, and yet...

Everyone who has a goal in their life and needs help/motivation meeting it should have an Encouraging Bunny.  Mine is not afraid to tell me what to do - like write a thousand words a day. Seriously - there are days when I don't SAY 1,000 words, let alone write them. She is not afraid to put her foot 'where the sun don't shine' to get me moving in the right direction.

When I finish my first novel under my own name, (My previous publishings have been as a ghostwriter... don't ask or I would have to kill you), a large part of the credit will go to my EB.  I'm just glad she doesn't live with me.   She doesn't see me roll my eyes when I get her texts.  She doesn't hear the sarcasm in my voice when I say 'Seriously?' when I read her texts.  She doesn't feel the raspberry I give my phone after I read her texts. Sometimes I want to take the drumsticks out of her paws and wrap them around those fuzzy pink ears.  She doesn't hear me whine like a five year old who knows what she should be doing but doesn't want to. She doesn't know I want to remain my lazy, unpublished self and lay on the couch and read instead of working.(Well, actually she does... that's why she is an Encourager Bunny).

My greatest fear is that I will somehow lose my Bunny.  I pray her batteries never run down.  I hope she never gets discouraged when her agent doesn't call her back.  I pray she can always pay her cell phone bill so she can keep texting me. I hope she doesn't get so busy with her own accomplishments that she can't bang her drum in my ear. I love my Bunny.

My hope for all of you is that an Encouragement Bunny finds you when you need one. Just don't be lookin' at mine... she's busy.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Anyone Have Any Ice Cube Trays They Aren't Using?

Today makes the third time that an 'appliance professional' has come to fix my ice maker/freezer.  Apparently having a freezer that keeps stuff frozen AND makes ice is asking a bit much. 

The first repairman replaced a couple of parts and said, 'It work now'.  Okay.... within 1 hour there was water pouring out of my freezer and my frozen foods were floating in tepid water.   Second time, a whole new ice maker was installed.  My family and I anxiously awaited that sound that scares you at night.. you know the one where the ice hits the ice bucket at random times.  Success!! After 2 hours we heard the music of ice being dumped into the ice bucket.  My daughter decided to be the first to enjoy the fruits of our new ice maker and she opened the freezer door, glass in hand, ready to enjoy some cold water. There were 3 ice cubes. Okay... maybe we didn't give it enough time.  A couple of hours later, we again heard the music of ice hitting the container beneath the ice maker.  Success!!  5 ice cubes this time.

This morning it was repairman #3.  He put his thermometer into the freezer and muttered to himself.  Then he pulled the refrigerator out from the wall, took out a flashlight and tsk, tsk'ed some more.  Glancing at me, he said he would be back in a little while.   A couple of hours later, he was back with a shop vac.  He sucked up what sounded like every piece of tile, wallboard  and cabinet in the kitchen.  When I went to see what all the noise was about, he said the coils were very dusty and the compressor was working too hard.  Seriously?  Now the freezer/ice maker doesn't work because of my housekeeping skills?  Just as he was shutting down the vacuum, a loud bang sounded inside the hose of his shop vac.  With a puzzled look, he took the top off the vac and pulled out 2 metal objects.  The first was a bolt thingy with a couple of washers hanging off, the second was a glass piece that he shook next to his ear.  With a sheepish grin he said 'oh' and went on to explain to me that somehow this glass thing is the piece that makes the ice maker work. Really?  And can it do its job laying in the bottom of the underneath side of the refrigerator?

The glass thingy takes a week to order.  The freezer will stay cold as long as we don't open the door.  Seriously?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Do I Know You?

Facebook. The new connect place.  But, you know what?  I don't want to connect with everyone I ever knew. Frankly, there are some people I hope I NEVER see again!  Seriously - I don't want to be friends with everyone. It scares me that you found me. People I don't even know want to be friends with me. Do folks just randomly send out friend requests to strangers?  That's either very sad or very scary.

If I didn't like you in High School, I don't care what you are doing now. Just because you know someone that I know doesn't mean I want to know you. Just because you are a long-lost relative of  someone in my family, I don't have to be friends with you.  Just because you went to 5th grade with my daughter doesn't mean I care who you are.  If I once knew you and you haven't heard from me in 20 years, there's probably a reason!  My favorite app on Facebook is the 'Ignore' button.

I know some people who think it is a status symbol to have 600+ 'friends' on their Facebook page.  Seriously? Get a life!  Who cares?  How could you possibly know that many people let alone care about what every single one of them is doing? Do you stay home 24/7 and watch your Home page Newsfeed?  Somehow I kinda doubt it.( And just so you know, if you do stay home and Facebook all day, you're NOT on my list).   I have a 50 friend and family limit. That's about as many people that I can care about at one time.  If someone comes along that I like better than you, I boot you off my list.  The cool thing is that you will never know I 'un-friended' you. 

I will give kudos to one Facebook find.  She was my best friend through college and a couple of years afterward but life happened and we lost each other.  Facebook reconnected us and for that I will be eternally grateful.  She's on my 'keep' list.  But, everyone else... don't get your hopes up. That was a fluke.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Middle of the Night

Ever notice how random things happen in the middle of the night? Last night it was the vanishing toilet paper.  There was paper on the roll when I went to bed.  I have first-hand knowledge of that fact.

So when Mother Nature demanded my attention at 3am , the roll was empty. I know I was only half-awake, but cardboard is all that my hand could find.  Okay, no problem.  Feel around in the basket on the back of the tank where I keep an extra roll.  Seriously- you got to be kiddin' me!  Apparently whatever happened to the roll on the holder also happened to the spare roll.  Okay - now what?   Kleenex to the rescue! 

Now I am awake and mad.  Who did this?  Who was this inconsiderate?  Who to blame?  So I go on a fact-finding mission. 

My husband is sound asleep in the same position he was in when I went to bed a couple of hours ago.  Dead to the world, I don't think he has been up.  I poke my head into my daughter's room - again, no movement.  Besides, she is so sweet when she is asleep, it reminds me of when she was a little girl and couldn't possibly have done anything so mean as to leave an empty roll.  Moving on, I search out the 4-legged inhabitants of my household.  The dog is snoring, legs straight up in the air at the foot of our bed.  I bend down to look for tiny bits of toilet paper that would give away her midnight raid on the roll.  Nope, she's clean.  Must be the cats.  Of course, have you ever tried to look for a cat in the middle of the night?  Their nocturnal instincts have them off doing whatever cats do in the darkness. Nowhere to be found but no telltale trail of toilet paper anywhere either. Usually, they claw down half the roll and then walk away, just daring me to say something to them.  So without a puddle of TP under the roll, it probably wasn't them either. 

Out of suspects, I go back to bed.  It's now 3:15am and I no longer care.  That is until this morning at 6am when I hear my husband's outraged shout 'who used the last of the toilet paper and didn't replace it?'  Oh yeah, about that ....

Monday, September 6, 2010

It's Hard When You are the Dumb One

I tried a new bathroom cleaner today.  It swore it would 'clean the tough stuff with no scrubbing'.  Sounded like a good deal to me.  So I sprayed it on.  The canister said it would, 'spray out blue and turn white when it was done'.  Okay - it sprayed out white and turned reddish brown while it was working.. I think.  That should have been my first clue.

So, after it was done streaking my tub, I scrubbed it down.  It actually did look better.  I rinsed the tub out and decided to take a bath to celebrate.  I ran warm water, filled it with bubbles and got in.

After I had been laying in the tub for about 10 minutes, I noticed my back and shoulders were burning.  Wow, I guess the water was hotter than I thought.  Another 5 minutes and it was very uncomfortable.  I rinsed off and got out.  That's when I noticed it - my back and shoulders were ablaze.

I promise I rinsed the tub out before I got in.  Seriously - I used the shower head, sprayed it around and soaked myself and the floor in the process.  Well, apparently not.  What you see here is a chemical burn.  After calling the Nurse on Call with my health insurance (useless), I called Poison Control Center. Sure enough, the chemicals in my tub cleaner are caustic.  Thankfully, the Poison lady was smarter than the on-call chick and told me what to do.  An hour after this picture was taken, the redness was a light pink and the stinging was gone.  No blisters yet either.  Hopefully, I caught it in time.

Seriously, how dumb do you have to be to burn your own back in your own bathtub?  Worst of all, there is no one to blame this off on.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Does Anyone Else Hear That?

I work in a children's store.  I am around children all day long.  I see the good ones, the mean ones, the poorly raised ones and the little angels.  One thing that constantly amazes me is how parents cannot hear their child annoying the crap out of the rest of us.

Seriously - how can a parent not have compassion on the rest of us who are hearing their spawn screaming/crying at a decibel level that could shatter fine crystal?  I have seen mothers talk on cell phones, stand and chit-chat to another mother or just totally ignore their little noise-maker as though they did not exist.  Seriously?  My ear drums are bleeding.  Take the kid outside, down the block, into the parking lot or Hey - back to YOUR house!  Just make the noise stop!   What gives parents the right to disturb my dinner, interrupt my worship or make my head hurt?  If you are going to allow your little monster to scream himself silly - that's totally up to you.  But, get her out of my earshot.

Now, if your child is beginning to cry, I'm okay for a couple of minutes while you comfort them and try to make everything all better.  But, if that doesn't work - don't ignore it.  None of the rest of us can ignore it so why should you get all the fun?  If you are working through a discipline problem, you have my sympathy.  You just don't have the right to inflict it on me. Do something about the noise; put a pacifier, bottle or lollipop in it.  It's in a stroller - stroll away from me!  It's on a 'child' leash - go walk it.  It's in your arms - jiggle it.  It's lying on the floor at your feet, throwing limbs in the air - duct tape it.   But, seriously - get some control.  Who's in charge here - you or the siren?  Take some action and have mercy on the rest of us WHO DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Has Anyone Seen My Day Off?

Today is/was my Day Off - I think.  Seriously - what happened to my day?  Are days off shorter than 24 hours?   That must be how companies make it work - they give you a Day Off and then shorten it to 12 hours.  I am sitting (okay, lying) on my couch.  This is the same position I was in exactly 12 hours ago.   I remember getting up late, because it is, after all, my Day Off.  I remember my cup of coffee and reading the new Elizabeth Peter's novel.  But then POOF!, it's 11:00pm and time to go to bed.  

What did I do today?  I should have been at the pool, the beach, the mall... after all, it is my Day Off. I had   plans for today - clean the bathroom, go to the store, strip the bed, return my overdue books, start the dishwasher, empty the dryer, change the litterbox...  Nope, I would have gotten dressed had I done those things.  Yet, here I am in my jammies, lying on the couch - same as 12 hours ago.  Maybe I should call 911 to report a missing Day Off?

If anyone has seen my Day Off, could you text me?  Or better yet, could you send it home - I'll need it again next week.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Mondays are NOT for Wimps

Since I work retail, I don't usually have weekends off, so I never have the 'OMG, it's Monday' feelings like most of the working class.  I prefer it that way - I hardly ever have one day of the week that I dread.

That all ended today.  Once a month, the Mouse graciously insists I take a weekend off.  This past weekend was my designated pretend-you-are-like-everyone-else-and-be-off-work-Saturday and Sunday.  That was all fine and good until this morning.

I should have know I was in trouble when Sunday night I lay in bed willing myself to sleep.  Seriously - when has that EVER worked?  The clock marched along it's assigned path... 1am, 2am,3am.  I know it clicked off because I got the pleasure of watching each of those hours make an appearance all the while mentally adding up how many hours of sleep I would get if I could just fall asleep right NOW.  Didn't work.

I NEVER work Monday mornings. It's a company rule that my boss open every Monday, so I didn't worry too much about the time until abruptly realizing in the wee hours of the dawn that I did in fact have the opening shift today.  You know that feeling when you realize that you are going to be late before you are even awake enough to get out of bed?  Yeah, me too.

Racing down the Sawgrass Expwy sent my breakfast bowl with the tiny droplets of leftover soy milk sliding off the seat and under my feet.   While I was scrambling to move the bowl to keep it from lodging under the brake pedal, the guy behind me decides his horrible weekend was apparently all my fault. He comes flying around me, cuts me off and slows to within a foot of my bumper. Nice!  Seriously - do you feel better now, lardhead?

Get to work only to find that I have 2 surprise guests waiting for me outside the store - so much for 'hey, it's only 10 minutes. No one will care.' Now I have created Monday chaos for 2 innocent bystanders.

I boot up our 4 register computer system only to see the "blue screen of death" appear on each one - not once, not twice but yes, lucky three.   On the phone with our IT department who is apparently having a Monday morning of their own didn't make the morning any brighter.  I could go on but it just goes downhill from here and hey, who wants to hear that?  Suffice it to say,  Monday just lived up to it's reputation.

My boss, who was trying to enjoy a very much deserved day off, made the mistake of calling to check-in.  He got my entire Monday tirade - good thing he is such a great guy.  I did, however, beg him that if he has just one single drop of compassion in his body, to please, please never inflict another Monday morning on me.  Seriously!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Can You Spare a Quarter?

Money is tight everywhere.  Companies are having to come up with creative new ways to appeal to the shrinking disposable income of most Americans.   Families look for ways to squeeze a little more out of their already screaming wallets.   Creativity has become the word of survival.

The money squeeze has now hit a cottage industry that I never considered - the cardboard sign man.  Every town has them, the apparently homeless men (and women) that stand at the end of an off-ramp with a homemade sign asking for work or money.   All I can say is that it must be hard everywhere.

The sign at the end of the ramp today said:


What?  You want me to throw a quarter at you?  Seriously?  I LOVE it! Talk about Creative!  Some marketing exec needs to snatch this guy up quick!    

Thursday, August 26, 2010

It's a Conspiracy

Okay, I'm on a diet. I went into double digit clothes so something has to change.  Frankly, I can't afford to buy new stuff so the easiest answer seemed to be to lose the extra 20 and get back into my own clothes.  Yeah, right.  I haven't dieted in years.  Usually, when I picked up 5 or so extra pounds, I just stopped eating Taco Bell, Mickey D's and Checkers and PRESTO... the extra baggage was gone.  Seems I might have ignored the upward climb too long this time and it has gotten outta hand.  So, drastic measures are called for... No fast food, No snacking, No after 6pm eating and No ice cream!

I was good for the first few weeks; I had my resolution to keep me company and a co-worker nagging me about my Coca Cola addiction.  6 lbs down so far.   What I need now is the cooperation of the advertising/marketing folks out there in TV land.  Seriously- is there a conspiracy to keep me fat?  Why is every commercial about food?  Close up pictures of pizza, burgers and cold Coke. And, it looks like everyone is having a GREAT time at all the restaurants I am currently not patronizing.  When did that happen? Will they all still be there when I come out of the 'diet cave'?  What happened to the endless car commercials, the 'Wait - call now and we'll double the offer' commercials, the embarrassing commercials about condoms, tampons, male enhancement and Zestra?   I don't see any of those ads anymore... All I see is food.  Even food that I wouldn't put in my mouth for money looks good! 

I am convinced someone has hacked my cable line and is controlling the commercials that are on my TV.  No channel is safe.  Even commercial-free Disney has some 'Pass the Plate' segment about foods around the world!  I tried watching the Food Network and that horrible show where the guy goes around the globe eating things that would normally make me yak. Maybe bugs aren't as bad as I think they are... he seems to enjoy them.

My brilliant alternative was to turn off the TV and catch up on episodes of my favorite shows on HULU.  Yeah, not so much. Someone please tell me when marketers caught on to the idea of inserting commercials into non-TV media. Seriously, I give up. Guess I will read for the next month.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Some of us work nights

Seriously - why do lawn companies send loud people and equipment into otherwise quiet neighborhoods at some ungodly hour of the morning?  I live in a gated community where the HOA provides the lawn care.  Sounds great, right?  Nope, not if you are asleep at 9am.

While I understand that a large portion of my neighbors do the 9 to 5 thing, I don't.  Hate it.  Do not ever want to do it again. My choice, I know, but why does the rest of the world revolve around up in the morning, off to work, home at night, early to bed? Retailers and Writers (of which I am both) don't follow that schedule. 

So to all of you garbage collectors, roof repairers, lawn care guys and construction workers out there - could you keep it down?   Some of us are trying to sleep!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

And so it begins...

Okay, I finally gave in... here I am in blogger land.  Who knew?  After years of denial,  I have decided that the internet is here to stay, blogging can be fun and I'm not going to be that old lady down the street with a million cats.  (Well, maybe in another 30 years, I will be the cat lady down the street).

So, to all of you out there in cyberspace, move over.  There is one more person who needs to be heard, read and loved.  I don't promise I will hear, read or love you back but hey, who knows.  Seriously, does the world really need another blogger?  Probably not, but hey, too late.  You never know what gems can fall out of someone's fingertips.